The Princess and the Pea
by thecoconutcyclone
Summary: My most ill conceived fic yet. Proof that I should never write while being distracted by sparkly things.


Note: Would you look at me…I'm being a rather productive little coconut this week

Note: Would you look at me…I'm being a rather productive little coconut this week! In celebration of July 4th and the fact that I'm not at work, thecoconutcyclone's Fairy Tale Theatre presents something a bit different. A fairy tale that is 1. Not yuri, 2. Uses the dub names (I simply couldn't put the real sailors through this) and perhaps most shocking of all, 3. Does not feature the Outer Senshi. 

If it sucks I'll blame it on the margaritas or maybe I was blinded by a sparkler…yeah that's it sparklers…ooh sparkly…

The Princess and the Pea

By: thecoconutcyclone

Once there was a kindly maiden who ran an inn on the outskirts of a small kingdom. This maiden was known throughout the land for her excellent cooking and for her generosity. Many an evening she could be found giving food and shelter to weary travelers who had no means by which to pay, and had been turned away by other innkeepers. However, there were many who took advantage of the maiden's kindness and thus she never had much money.

Now it came to pass one rainy evening while Lita, which the maiden was called, was having dinner with three friends that the subject of her generosity came up. "It is simply a matter of good sense, Lita. You can't expect to ever make any money if you keep treating people like stray animals." Her friend Raye, the local magistrate, sighed.

"She's right Lita. I know that you only want to help people, but you can't feed every person who asks you for food, you'll only end up poor yourself that way." The schoolmistress Amy added.

Lita waved the comments off. "I am not and will not end up poor just by helping others." She looked over at her third friend, the barmaid Mina. "Well, what say you?"

Mina smiled sadly at her friend. "I agree with them. You let far too many people take advantage of your kindness. When's the last time you had a paying customer anyway?"

Lita turned her emerald eyes toward the tabletop. "Well…I…that is to say…" she stuttered, unable to remember when she had last charged anyone for a meal or a night's stay. Luckily, at that very moment there came a knock at the door. Lita pointed at the door, "There you see, a customer." She leapt from her chair and quickly made her way across the room.

She opened the door to find a young blonde girl, soaked to the bone. She quickly ushered the girl in and sat her down next to the fire to warm up. After a brief conversation with the girl Lita returned to her friends. 

"Another stray Lita?" Raye asked, upon her return. 

"I don't really know," Lita sighed. "The girl claims to be a princess of all things."

Raye nearly choked on the wine she was drinking. Once she had regained the ability to breathe she pointed towards the girl, who was wringing the water from one of her long ponytails. "Her, a princess? Yeah and I'm the Queen."

"Yes, a princess. She claims that her carriage broke its axle about a mile down the road. Her guardian took the horses on to the next village to get help, after she made sure that the Princess made it safely here, while the coachman stayed behind with the carriage. The girl says that she'll pay me for a room and any food she receives once her guardian returns in the morning." 

Amy ran a hand through her hair. "This is what we've been talking about Lita. You always let yourself be taken in by people's sad stories."

"Yeah," Raye added, "The girl's probably a thief. You should send her on her way."

"But what if she really is a princess?"

Raye shook her head. "There's no way of knowing that, though I seriously doubt that she is."

Mina, who had been unusually quiet this entire time, spoke up. "I know a way."

Three astonished pairs of eyes turned towards her. "Excuse me?" Raye said.

"Well there was this old legend that my grandmother used to tell me when I was a child, about a prince who wanted to find a princess to marry, but he could never find a true princess. Long story short, a girl came to his castle one day looking for shelter from a storm. She claimed to be a princess. The prince's mother didn't believe the girl, so she decided to test her to see if she was a true princess. It turned out that she was and she and the prince lived happily ever after."

"Well?' Lita asked. 

"Well, what?" Mina replied, causing Raye to slap herself on the forehead and Amy to take a huge gulp of her wine.

"How did the mother test the girl you idiot?" Raye shouted. 

"Oh, I forgot that part didn't I? Well, let me think." Mina failed to notice how Raye's eyes rolled at that statement. "Oh yeah, I remember. The mother made the girl sleep on a big pile of mattresses, but underneath them she placed a big piece of cheese."

At this point Raye and Lita simultaneously reached for the bottle of wine. Amy laid a hand on Mina's shoulder. "Actually, Mina, I believe the story goes that the mother placed a pea under the girl's bedding, and when she complained of bruises and a poor night's sleep the next day the mother knew that the girl was a true princess. For only a true princess would have skin so delicate that something as small as a pea could be felt through all those mattresses."

Raye could only blink at her friends. Lita downed an entire glass of wine before saying, "That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Amy, don't tell me you believe this rubbish?"

"Most of these old stories have some small truth to them. Though there really isn't any proof to this theory of a Princess' skin being so delicate."

"Come on guys, this is the answer to Lita's problem!" Mina chimed.

"How so?" Raye asked finally regaining the ability to speak.

"Lita will probably let the girl stay here tonight regardless of what we say right?"

"Right."

"Well, all we have to do is set up a bed like the one in the story for the girl to sleep on, if she's all bruised up in the morning then we know that we can trust her to pay for the room."

"And if she isn't bruised?" Lita asked.

"Then you'll put her to work, until the room is paid off." Raye answered.

Lita still didn't think that this was a good idea. However, she could tell by the look in her friends' eyes that they felt that this plan would prove something. It was clear that they weren't going to back down. "Fine," she sighed. "What is it that you want me to do?"

Soon Lita found herself dragging mattress after heavy mattress into one of her larger rooms. "I can't believe I listened to you. There is no way that anyone could feel a boulder through all of these, let alone a pea."

"Actually, we couldn't find any peas in the kitchen so I just grabbed some beans," Mina said, holding up two bags of dried beans. "Now, should we use the brown ones or the little white ones. You had lima beans down there too, but nobody likes those so I didn't bring them…" 

Raye shook her head and snatched one of the bags from Mina's hand. "Give me those." She took out a handful of beans and spread them on top of the first mattress. 

"Raye, you're only supposed to use one." Mina cried.

"Yes, well, we were also supposed to use peas instead of beans…what does it matter? There is no way that that girl downstairs is a princess. Did you watch her eat? I've seen pigs with better table manners." She gestured towards the bed. "Okay, Lita, start piling on the mattresses."

"Why is it that I'm the one who has to do all the heavy lifting?"

"Because it's your inn." Raye replied, "Now hop to it. Amy can only keep the girl busy for so long you know." 

Finally it was done. Lita lead the girl up to the room and bid her a goodnight's sleep. Her friends remained for a while longer to help her clean up a bit. Before the trio left they each promised to return again the next morning to see the results of the plan. Lita sighed as she closed the door behind her friends. She got the feeling that tomorrow was going to be a long day indeed.

The next morning shone bright. Lita awoke with the sun as usual and began her daily chores. She became so involved in her work that she failed to remember her guest. In fact it was well into the day before she remembered and went to check on the girl. She didn't even have to open the door before she realized that her guest was fine. A loud snoring could be heard from behind the room door. It appeared that the girl was not a princess after all. "I'm never going to hear the end of this from Raye." Lita sighed, and then made her way downstairs. 

Around noon Amy, Raye, and Mina arrived and Lita told them the news. "I knew it," Raye cried slamming her hand against the wall. "I told you that girl was no princess."

"Now Raye, just because she was able to sleep last night doesn't mean that she's not a princess. I told you that there was no scientific basis for the delicate skin theory." 

"Let it go Amy, the girl's no princess. Now let's go wake her up so that Lita can put her to work."

Just as Raye was turning to walk up stairs a dark-haired woman entered the inn. "Excuse me but could you ladies direct me to the innkeeper."

"I'm the innkeeper." Lita answered, "Is there something that I can help you with?"

"I believe that my charge stayed here in your inn last night. She's a young blonde girl." 

"Blonde girl…" Amy stuttered.

"Yes, I've come to settle her bill, and take her home."

"A blonde girl did stay here last night. The last time I checked she was still sleeping. I'll take you to her room." Lita replied leading the woman towards the stairs.

"Thank you madam but I'm sure I can find her room myself. That girl snores louder than anyone I've ever heard. It's quite unbecoming of a princess."

"Princess?"

"Yes, and let me assure you that you will be well rewarded for your kindness." The woman replied before making her way upstairs. 

With that Raye fainted. Mina was just barely able to catch her before she hit the ground. Once she and Amy had placed Raye safely into a nearby chair she cried, "See she really was a princess." Then shaking her head added, "I knew we should have used the little white beans…"

Lita merely shook her head and then went in search of her wine bottle.

Silly I know. I probably shouldn't write with booze in my system while being distracted by sparklers…ooh sparkly…pretty sparkly… 


End file.
